How NOT to be Happy Tip 1: Take offense.

This is the first of 10 tips for unwavering woe

What should you do if someone says something in an ambiguous tone of voice, or acts in an unclear way? Is she being bitchy? Was that deliberately snide? Did he just snub me? Who cares! The smartest assumption here is yes, always yes.

The key to taking offense is to operate on the premise that the other person’s sole purpose in life is to judge you and make your life difficult. It’s simply naïve to think that others are primarily thinking about their own life, or that they have concerns or preoccupations unrelated to you.

Instead, with this mindset, you can be assured that taking offense will come naturally to you, no matter what the situation.

In fact, some happiness-eschewers are so skilled they can take pre-emptive offense, feeling hurt just by anticipating possible slights that could lie ahead. The perpetrator need not even turn up, and still the damage is done, making this a very time-effective approach.

More seasoned happiness-eschewers have mastered the art of taking you-gave-me-a-funny-look-in-1989-and-I-haven’t-forgotten-it-since offense. This one’s not for beginners – it takes well-honed stamina to remain offended by a mini-slight in the face of many intervening slight-free years, or even decades.

Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that a good memory is a pre-requisite for holding long-term grudges; with practice, you’ll find that the mere whiff of recollection that someone did something you didn’t like is more than enough to maintain the rage.

Your readiness to take offense will serve you well in avoiding happy relationships with colleagues, relatives, and for those offendees who still have any friends left, it will work wonders with them too. Especially effective with spouses.

Other tips in this series of 10 tips for unwavering woe:
Tip 2: Never take responsibility
Tip 3: Pity yourself
Tip 4: Be needy
Tip 5: Be ungrateful

How NOT to be happy: 10 tips for unwavering woe

There’s a lot of talk these days about happiness. People wanting to get happy can do courses, read books, subscribe to forums, meditate, or follow any number of paths to proactively raise their happiness quotient.

But jolly isn’t for everyone.

What if you’d rather wallow in your own misery? Shouldn’t you have the right to your swamp of pain, your quicksand of lugubriousness, your quagmire of despair, if that’s the way (aha aha) you like it?

Yet what help exists for you if you’re one of these forgotten people? Where can you turn for support in a world gone glad?

Out of respect for unwavering woe-mongers – those who cling to their misery despite ever-mounting evidence that being happier is both possible and valuable in terms of health, success and relationships – I’ve put together some tips. Don’t be bullied into seeking joy any longer.

Follow these tips, and your happiness is sure to become be a thing of the past.

Tip 1: Take offense
Tip 2: Never take responsibility
Tip 3: Pity yourself
Tip 4: Be needy
Tip 5: Be ungrateful

Stuff that makes me happy – Music videos

“What came first, the music or the misery? People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos, that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss. Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?”
From the film High Fidelity, based on the novel by Nick Hornby

Of course the misery follows the music, Rob! It’s SISO – sadness in, sadness out. You ingest misery, and you give your brain lots of negative stuff to process.

I used to listen to sad songs and let the melancholy move me – just as I used to read earnest, but usually depressing, books (especially Booker Prize winners and short-listers) and watch serious-minded films with pointlessly tragic endings. And I used to feel very sad. Way sadder than I feel these days with my generally gloom-free diet. There’s a lot of genuine tragedy in the world that should be faced. But for me, I’ll have my pop culture misery-free, thanks.

If you’re looking for a dose of feel good music video, here are my three faves. (You can view them from my vodpod at the bottom of the sidebar.)

No Rain (Blind Melon).
I just love love love how the little tap-dancing outcast finally finds the place where she belongs. How many of us take off the bumble bee outfit and quit dancing instead of enduring the blank stares and persevering in expressing who we are? I totally identify with that little girl. She’s one of my role models.

Digging in the Dirt (Peter Gabriel)
OK, so if you’re halfway through and watching decaying bodies and angry family holidays you may be questioning my sanity about now. But stick it out and you’ll see how the pain of life eventually gives way to something better. The final image [HEAL] is my favourite.

Teenage Dirtbag (Wheatus)
If the third-act turning point of the girl asking the boy to an Iron Maiden concert doesn’t melt your stone-cold heart, then I hope you’ll at least appreciate the subtle wit of using fruit for percussion. A flash of genius, wouldn’t you say?

Power of 40

I’m using the psychological magnitude of turning four-oh to, I hope, galvanise myself into action on some long overdue goals. Here they are:

1. Have a draft manuscript of a non-fiction book completed.
I don’t know whether I want to seek publication, self-publish, or make it an e-book, but that decision can come later. By September 28 I want the draft done.

2. Fit into my leather pants.
I have these fabulous leather pants. They look awesome on my shins and calves, but my thighs and butt really feel the chill. They’re too gorgeous to languish on a hanger, so come September 28, I want them out of the closet.

3. Renounce rescuing.
I’m one of those people who thinks they can save the world; who sees solutions to everyone’s problems if only they’d do what I think they should; who over-empathises with everyone and feels hyper-responsible for everything. It’s a pain for my (generally unwilling) rescuees, and a bigger pain for me – after all, having the entire world rely on you is exhausting. Frankly, I’m over it. If the world is determined to remain unsaved and people persist in having their problems despite my best efforts over the past four decades, then I have to face the reality that my powers, surely, must be in question. It’s time to hang up my cape. Well, maybe I’ll surrender the rescuing, but keep the cape. I like capes.

Countdown to 40

I turn 40 on September 28.

I don’t look or act 40 (a canny combination of good genes and sustained immaturity), so when I reminded my Mum of this minor milestone, she looked shaken. I could see her doing the calculations in her head (unlike me, she can do this sans fingers). Her eyes darted as she desperately tried to verify my maths, hoping to find me out by a factor of ten or so (wouldn’t be the first time). Alas, on this occasion I was right.

I’m planning to celebrate the fact that the earth has rotated 364.25 x 40 = 14,570 times since I was born in a number of ways:

1. A family party at my parents’ place. Guests to include my husband, my parents, my two brothers, and their wives and kids (sadly for me, my sister is living in Minnesota with her husband and kids at the mo). The menu will be pizza, Pepsi Max, and Paddle Pops (chocolate). I’m looking for a Wonder Woman to lead us in party games, but she has to be Lynda Carter hot. After all, that was part of her hero quality when I was growing up – sure she saved the world, but she looked amazing doing it. (Check out the vodpod at the bottom of the sidebar to see her in action.) I’m still working on how I ask the party heroes company about the aesthetics of their Wonder Woman.

2. My friends are adamant I should have a party for them. This is great in theory, but it sounds like a lot of work for what is, essentially, a cosmological excuse to get presents. Still, presents are an excellent reason to do most things, so I might be swayed.

3. I have a small list of goals I’d like to reach by the time I turn 40. They’re nothing monumental, but if I don’t achieve them by this age, I fear I never will.

I’ll keep you posted on the celebrations and the goals.

Communicating – more than words

The short film In My Language (8:35 minutes) is touching, profound and confronting.

From about 3.10 seconds the actions seen in the first part are ‘translated’. It makes me re-think how I perceive communication, language, intelligence – and happiness.

Stuff that makes me happy – Devices

iPac (named Xac)
I take this everywhere. It’s my diary, to-do list, address book and post-it pad. It’s old now and no longer available, but I’m waiting for HP to bring out a mobile PDA using Windows on a 3G network (Optus?) before I upgrade. I’ve added SPB Pocket Plus, which makes it look way pretty and allows one-handed navigation. I’ve also set it up for one-click to record audio memos (which, although a great idea, I never seem to do) and another to open a new note (which I do all the time – think I’ll do one now: another goal list, perhaps?). I feel like producto-Girl. Just need a geeky cape.

iPod (named Xiggy)
I have a black 30G video. I rarely use the video, but I’m pretty much at capacity with music and podcasts. I listen to podcasts whenever I’m doing brainless stuff – making the bed, brushing my teeth, loading/unloading the dishwasher, doing errands. I feel like I learn heaps without taking any time out of my day.

Laptop (named Xander)
I’ve had my XPS for about a year. It helped me write my thesis on happiness last year and it’s helping me turn that into a book this year. It’s like the perfect amanuensis – assisting me to plan, executive and review all my projects. Apart from Microsoft Office (love 2007), Word (so don’t love2007 – have they dummified it?) and OneNote, I use iTunes for music and podcasts, LeechGet for downloads, SPSS & AMOS for stats analysis and I have a mindmap program that I won’t mention because I think it’s overpriced and overfunctioned.

These are my 3 amigos. Just looking at them and thinking of all the good times we’ve shared makes me smile. Now where’s that cape?

Happiness conference – Reflections 1

Last month I attended the Happiness & its Causes conference at Darling Harbour, Sydney. Laid low by the flu since then, I’ve been pondering the experience – the speakers, the content, and even some of the little happenings that peppered the 4-day happ-stravaganza.

One such tidbit was my ‘psyching in’ for the experience on Day 1. I was on a peak-hour train overcrowded with serious-looking people, many of whom were coughing, sneezing and otherwise being overgenerous with their snotular fluids. It was bad enough that I couldn’t avoid their germs (no doubt where I picked up my bug), but I figured I didn’t have to let their morose vibe infect me too – I was headed to a happiness conference for goodness sake.

So I did what any child of the 80s does when mood management is called for – I got out my iPod, found my 80s playlist (OK, one of many such), and immersed myself in “Theme from Greatest American Hero (Believe It or Not)” by Joey Scarbury. I was immediately smiling, head-nodding, lipsyncing (a particular and significant talent of mine) and garnering disturbed looks from my snotular campadres. What larks. I was happiness-ready!

Brokeback Mountain

When you have a story from Annie Proulx, direction by Ang Lee, and Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger to watch, you can expect something amazing. Even so, I was taken by surprise by this tale of big love in a massive landscape amid small minds. This is a love story that doesn’t need dialogue to tell you how the characters feel, or a montage of lovemaking to show you their passion, and it’s all the more powerful for it.

The character trajectories of the two cowboys, Jack Twist (Gyllenhaal) and Ennis Del Mar (Hedger), are clear from their first appearances. You know immediately, if not consciously, how this story will go.

Both Gyllenhaal and Ledger are compelling and beautiful to watch. I was surprised only Ledger received an Oscar nomination; his portrayal is good, with Del Mar so self-protective he can barely push his own words out of his mouth. But Gyllenhaal’s Jack Twist is also good, with a naive openness that is almost heartbreaking.

The dialogue is sparse in this film, but it’s never the talk that advances the narrative. This is touching, masterful storytelling you won’t forget in a hurry.

Karla

Based on true events in Canada in the early 1990s.

Paul Bernado raped women. His girlfriend, later wife, Karla Homolka, helped him lure and molest some of his victims. She may have killed one or two of them. But one victim appalled Canadians so much that only American actors could be recruited to this film. That victim was Homolka’s 15-year-old sister, Tammy, whom the couple drugged with animal tranquiliser before their attack. Tammy choked on her own vomit and died; but it was initially ruled an accident. Eventually, many years and victims later, Bernado was sentenced to life imprisonment; Homolka to 12 years’. 

The story is told in flashback by Karla as she is interviewed prior to her parole hearing, so it is ‘her side’ of the events. There is not much in the way of insight.  

Although many serial-killer couples function in a dominant-subservient dynamic where the weaker partner seems almost devoid of any will of (usually) her own, in this film there’s the definite suggestion that Homolka was a more active agent.